I have just scared myself writing this. Day 26 already!!! A month since this all happened, probably longer yet it still feels likes days, maybe weeks.
It’s still 5AM and my sleep hasn’t improved in the slightest. In those 26 days I think I have slept beyond 5AM 2-3 times. This has clearly screwed me over in a handful of ways, and more annoyingly, is becoming habit.
Me ? In some aspects everything has changed and others – nothing. The rollercoaster is still there and I’m still onboard clinging on looking for the emergency stop.
The only thing which seems to help is talking. Talking to anyone if I am so blunt about it. Clearly, in the beginning I was reluctant to speak to anyone but a very close circle of friends. Now I have, I have realised that the world willn ot end because I share a sad moment of my life with someone. You can clearly see the people who have been through it respond to you in a different way. I can also clearly see my own reaction by telling them. I think the simplist way to describe it is relief.
There have been a few occasions now, where I have planned a casual chat and few drinks with friends. No agenda, no bashing or probing. Just normal, casual chatting. I had been the one offering thoughts on my situation which were answered honestly and without predujice from whoever I spoke to. That isn’t to say they were just agreeing with me. It is also no coincidence that the times I had slept well was after these chats. I wasn’t divulging any major secret or sticking the knife into, I pause here as I do not know what to write. I would pen ‘wife’ which, technically she is, but it seems wrong. Spouse maybe ? Dunno, feel free to provide me with a suitable response!
Either way I have found talking seems to help for now. I am aware that people may be tiring to my offloading however. I have no evidence to support this, but I have seen other people react in similar ways in different environments tire quickly to ‘drama’ where one person who may clearly be going throught the mill offloads constantly which then irritates others. If you are reading this and know me, then I am sure you understand. Either way, I am conscous of it. I sincirely hope I have said thankyou to all that I have offloaded to because my-god I have appreciated it!
So, other than talking what else has changed ? My moods still rotate quickly, without notice which I try not to effect too much my life. I clearly fail at this which the kids pick up on in an instant. My youngest can read my body language like a book and peeks under my glasses checking for a tear in my eye often. I don’t try and hide it now though. I just squeeze his hand or hug him and tell him it’s OK. He did that last night and told me he was sleeping with me to make sure I’m OK. Kids see things for exactly what they are at times – don’t underestimte them!!
I have now been in contact with a solicitor. I believe most offer 30 mins consultation and advice prior to using them. I did need this as they take the emotion away from the facts. I knew pretty much what I wanted / needed / accepted but the give you an authorititative response with no grey area. You also learn why studying law is profitable. Fixed fee for divirce and a ballpark fee for a financial settlement. This is purely down to how much effort is involved and time they take. RE: divorce, there is a Government website where you can get divorced. This is perhaps a sad reflection of our current times. £550 via the gov.uk route of £1420 via a solicitor. Needless to say I am exploring the online route fully! Then the words decree nisi and decree absolute. I have now learned that the Decree nisi is the start fo the divorce and the Decree Absolute is as the name suggests, the end of it. You apply for a divorce, both parties get sent legal paperwork, if you both agree then the decree nisi is granted. Then it gets processed and if there are no issues the Decree Absolute is granted and you are both single and free to marry. Simple…..
All of this has to be done juggling life and kids and work without losing the plot and whilst communicating with the ex of course in a calm and civil manner. My phone says otherwise but I am getting there.
We have discussed what we both want, we have just about agreed a middle ground, we have to put it into writing and then I have to pay for it (OK i don’t have to but I choose to for the bigger financial picture).
These are all just steps on the journey which can be done. It’s hard but you get used to it.