So I lie here in bed. Time 04:18 which is fast becoming my new ‘Normal’ wake up time. My current mood has been really happy, sad, then happy already this morning before I put the kettle on and grabbed the laptop.
I was happy for 5 min as soon as I woke up circa 4AM as I had been dreaming. Dreaming of nothing, dreaming of a giant red cabbage juggling – anything, nothing. I recalled this dream in bed for 5 min. And then it hit me. Reality, normality, the hurt and lonliness. I liken it to someone taking a frying pan and smashing it into your face and then trying to physically rip your heart out while you are awake. ‘REMEMBER – YOU ARE IN YOUR BED ALONE AND YOUR WIFE (well former one – complicated) IS IN BED WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND HAS LEFT YOU’ simple as that. It hits you every morning without fail. I have decided to write about it now. Maybe to try and express my emotions, maybe for sympathy, mainly if I don’t, I would be crying into a pillow instead like normal, and I really don’t want to do that any more. So I got up, went downstairs and then was happy for the 2nd time in ~ 8 minutes. Time is 04:05. I actually expected it to be 03:xx. That means I have slepts for maybe an hour more than I have been – that makes me happy.
Sleep is working its evil to me at the minute. I know it, I see it and I can’t do a bloody thing to stop it!
Well, actually I can. Well, I think i can and I read and heard things yesterday which I need to try and put into practise. I work at Solvay, and yesterday they shut 2 of their local plants and instead of work we were all at a safety day. This comprised of 40 minute exercises to make you aware of your everyday life at work and at home. Fire demonstrations, hazard identification, dealing with spills and one session on mental wellbeing. This was the spanner in the works!
I knew this was going to test me, and it did. Not because it was hard, but because it would make me see things which I knew were true and were trying to control. We sat in a circle with a sheet of paper on the chair which we are reading. I have it with me now and are reading it again (I will take a pic of it and attach if I remember).
STRESS MANAGEMENT it reads qith a small questionaire on the first page.
HOW STRESSED WERE YOU – on a scale of 0-10… erm right now, here, probably an 8 or 9 SHIT!
WHAT ARE YOU STRESSED THINIKING ABOUT – being asked directly if I am ok as I know I will burst into tears
There is a box on the form listing the common forms of stress and I am asked to circle them (I didn’t). “Anxiety, Agression, Nausea, Tearful” are all on there and many more – I recognise them all.
It then asks HOW DOES YOUR STRESS AFFECT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU and Bang there it is. Open wound, finger poking right in and tears in eyes again. I could cynically write ‘Well it makes your wife* fuck off with someone else’ but there is much, much more to it than that – but its also probably true.
We then talk about how to control it – OK now we get somewhere. Some topics are listed. “Nutrition, Medication, Exercise, Sleep, Therapies and Relaxation”
I focus on Nutrition. A poor diet and screw you over, who knew. Too much caffine can over stimulate a stressed system and alcohol can raise hyperactivity and stress. Drink more water.
So as I lie here in bed with my 2nd cup of decaff tea there are ways to help yourself. None of this is rocket science, but now it matters. I smiled ironically reading that back. Who am I kidding, it always mattered.
I drink too much. Have done for years, known about, admitted it but did nothing about it. It has certainly been an issue in my marriage. Maybe my work and marriage made me drink – not sure. But it is a coping mechanism, a quick fix. I have drunk noticably less in the 9 days since D-Day which i will sarcastically call it, when we both finally said we going our own ways and it wasnt going to work. I don’t know why less, but less. I have also eaten less. Reduced appitite etc all signs on this list of a warning light. So ok I now have some remidies in black and white in front of me.
The session went on and we all did some meditation under direction. I took this seriously and could feel emotions changing, but then that screwed me up. I was basically slowing breathing and tensing musciles in my body breathing in, then releasing them breathing out. This stimulates physical, emotional and chemical responses in your body and I could definitely feel them.
I left the session in tears again and thanked the person who led it. The only problem was that the door was open and I was then thinking about everything and by body was responding. My mind responded with anger (again one of the things on the list). I guess this is just one of the stages of dealing with divorce, I hope so and not just the real me. This was transfixed on how could she have made the decision to leave so quickly.
The reality for me it this. Around 5 Jun 18 Sam told me she wasn’t in love with me any more and did’t want to be with me. We argued, walked on eggshells, got drunk, avoided the truth and generally upset each other until on 14 Jun 18 I asked if there was anyone else invloved and got told yes. Bombshell expolodes. D-Day and we both know there is no coming back. 16 Jun 18 I am told she in moving in with said person.
I have dealt (or not) with this as best I have, but yesterday the Anger came out.
How could a normal person decide this in such a short space of time (again there is much, much more to this than a single decision), how can you seemingly go from one happy family to another while I am left crying (or now writing) at 4AM on my own.
The day unfolded with text flying between us, increasingly more agressive if not truthful. As i finally drove home, I was again aware of the effect sleep was playing as I was physically tired as well as mentally.
It was a fullon day and I hadn’t really relaxed. I got home, had a bath and then Sam returned.
The defences were up and I wanted to talk (probably rant is a better term – but this shit needed to come out).
We have both always said the kids come first, but you have to keep telling yourself that. I wanted to chat out of the house but Sam didn’t. We went into a room, door windows shut and talked, then shouted and my anger took over. I don’t know what I hoped to achieve, maybe get how hurt I was over, maybe hurt her back by shouting. None of it worked. We both got upset and I stomped off threatening to change the locks. Sam followed and we shouted in front of the kids. We were both out of line with that and the kids get effected. My eyes are watering now writing this.
Thankfully were are both adults and sensible enough to do this correctly and we drove off in the middle of nowhere and finished the argument. Well it wasn’t and argument it was me ranting at the person who had hurt me. Getting it out and showing her. It needed to happen, but then the evening was spent fixing the damage casued to the kids. Thankfully, I have 2 brilliant ones who can be honest and open to. But that was really a low point of my life.
The highlight of the day was chatting to my Eldest who is 17. I talked to him about my emotions and not being able to handle them and how it effects him and his brother. I asked for a hug and he gave me the best hug ever. He doesn’t show emotion and is too much like me it scares me. A Proper hug.